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5 Fun Fixes to the Government Shutdown

October 8, 2013

1) HOLD A SPELLING BEE

Between Barrack Obama and John Boehner. Winner opens the government his way. This is great way to get regular ol ‘Mericans to come out and support nerds. Sadly, just like most regular ‘Mericans, both Obama and Boenher will lose this academic contest. Speaker Boehner will surely spell the President’s name “H-U-S-S-I-E-N” and President Obama will spell “B-A-N-E-R” because that’s beeshow you pronounce Boehner—not “Boner.”

2) LET THE SUPREME COURT DECIDE

This went over really well for Republicans in 2000. Maybe they’d go for it again. But The Dread Pirate Roberts and his Black pirate robertsRobed Bandits did uphold The Affordable Health Care Act last session. That’s got to go for the Democrats. But the Velvet Nine also said Corporation = Person. One more for the Republicans.

But the Shady in Satins also said Person =/= Unicorn. As in, unicornif gays and lesbians are allowed to marry it doesn’t logically follow that a person can then marry any animal of her or his choice—like a unicorn, eagle, or goldfish. So it’s a stalemate–Just like the government right now!

3) PAINT THE WHITE HOUSE BLACKgeorge clinton

This is not really a solution. I just like George Clinton. I think he’s an American Hero. In fact, maybe he could come up with an answer given his amazing insight, full throttle all-the-time creativity, and right on style belief in the power of music to bring everyone of all persuasion and (hair) color together.

4) LET TODD AKIN DECIDE

Remember him? He’s the Missouri Congressman who in a televised interview said we all know women can’t get pregnant if they’re raped because their natural defenses kick in.  Aiken thinks women have an internal defense system like laser beams that zaps the incoming sperm of an attacker: Pew, pew. Got ‘em. [Smoke rising from laser gun.]laser army

He is a prime example of the kind of shallow-pond thinking that, when promoted to the national stage, retards meaningful progress. When Akin is allowed to multiply, the result is the cluster of Tea Party Republicans demanding the dismantling of a program designed to help poor people and those taken advantage of by bloodless behemoths who would literally rather let you die than provide the coverage you already bought.

5) HOLD A TELETHON

sherlockAir it on PBS and let Big Bird, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and Benedict Cumberbatch host. John Ashcroft can perform with his quartet The Singing Senators, W. can do a little shuck and jive, and Bill Clinton will fetch a fine price in the live auction for a day/night of services.

Shirley MacLaine will appear in character from Downton Abbey and give Americans a kick-in-the-bullocks pep talkneil badass by comparing us to the intransigent Brits [a word only British people actually know], and Mark Wahlberg (the other Mark Wahlberg—from PBS’s American Roadshow, not the eternally hot, but also graciously philanthropic actor) will auction off bits of the National Parks and FEMA memorabilia. It’s a funny thing, what most people don’t know is whichever Wahlberg you’re talking about, he looks amazing without a shirt.

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